Mis y Mas

I've been charmed by the depiction of the various animals of the Chinese zodiac,and other folklore, shown participating in various Olympic sports.

Today's has been interesting. But please tell me:
Which story has the magic Chinese sperm?

General theme has been developing since mid-morning:

Is "Chump" stamped on my forehead?

Come to think of it; this has been going on for a lot longer.

It's going to stop.

It goes beyond "Evie touched my chickens"

Somedays it's just about her whole Umbridgitudity.

My own fault. Was looking for something different to distract my restlessness, without distracting my focus at work. I was fidgety and drowsy today, and needed an aural stimulant---but nothing distracting in terms of intricate lyrics.

Never thought to look for Philip Glass, before. Found him.

I will now have "Mr. Bojangles", from Glass's Einstein on the Beach stuck in my head.
You'd think it would be the "Knee Plays", but nooooo......

its raining like a cow pissing on a rock, I am going to ask for space on a couch.

Shit. If I want a scary ride, I'll to an amusement.
Not fun.

40 minute drive, and half the time felt like I was hydroplaning. Not exaggerating. And I wasn't driving fast.

Fortunately, not many people on the 80 tonight and NO contruction...the all seemed to have gathered in Vacaville to have accidents.

Tomorrow, getting together with Kayak Buddy, and pull old electronics and computers out of our homes.
Solano Waste Management is having a FREE dump-it day. (Versus the $60 quoted for the load I had last Saturday....gee, yeah, I might prefer this.)

She brings the truck from Dixon, and her junk....I add my junk, and provide gas, lunch and a chance to get together and talk.

She was also the one who introduced me to Fly Lady....to my obvious resistance.
But I did send her a note today, while we plotted for tomorrow.

"And Fly Lady still drives me nuts....
but I've decided my Kitchen Sink is me.

My job is to make sure my clothes and gear are laid out in the morning where I can find them.
Including backpack, projects, and maybe lunch. Must include containers/carriers/bags....no hunting for plastic or canvas bags at 6.30am because 'I knew there was one somewhere, just saw it yesterday'. "

Little marshmallow bits, trying to spill forth from the head and its not happening. (Started at 10am)

**********************

Not getting focused. Don't want to get focused.
Focused means facing what life is bringing, and I really don't want to deal with it.

I've had some lovely days in the midst of stress/worry/fear. I am focusing on *that*.

I'm selfish and childish. I am not only worried about what the future may bring for others, as well as difficulties for myself---and I'm worried about losing fun and pleasure.

No, correction. I'm worried about losing happiness.

This period of my life as been the most alive I've been in a long time. This doesn't mean always happy. I have been hurt and angry---but it has included the most happy joyous pleasurable times.

I don't want to lose that.

Maybe that ain't selfish. Maybe that's human survival. Not just animal survival (although I've learned how to be a good healthy animal in the last 10 years---I just have to remember to allow myself that basic instinct.)

No, I am learning what I am allowed to desire, aspire, as a cognizant, learning, human.

***************Good Lord. Good LJord.
I'm either 14 year old drama squeen, 17 year old emo, or mid-life I am woman, hear me worship psuedo pagan feely goodness.

Bleagh. Bad mis post, no miso soup.
Only tofu.

OK, done at 12am.

Thank you to friends who excused me from fun social dates so that I might get some sleep.

Happy to report I got home, went face first into the pillow, and napped for about an hour and a half. Got up, wrote, then back to bed. Got almost 8 hours total.

Yeaaaahhhh.

mis y mas
2007 June 12 Tues

For myself, must do treats:
a movie (waitress)---instead of solstice poetry Wed?
a book from UCD bookstore---nature guide
a subscription to Games magazine

for Dad
shirts
a bird book

for myself
keep writing.
keep bitching

I hate these crashes. Really good times, breaks/hiding from the daily grinds/stresses, really long weekends. Or a great combination of all three, like this past weekend

And I come back to the office, refreshed, full of plans on how to take back control of my work and life---and slam headfirst into a brick wall.

I really don’t know what I’m doing, and I have no idea how to get back into being a functioning adult. And worse yet is the sensation that the gears are grinding faster, tighter, the work in all my life is piling up, and my resources of time and money and energy are shrinking. And I really don’t know how to fix any of this.

I am really fighting an urge to pack it all up, turn it all off and run out of this building.
I know, I know: breathe breathe breathe.