Mis y Mas

The (presumed) student who wobbled in front of us on A street as it joined Old Davis.

Not really in control of her steering, nor looking up, as she attempted to turn left across the line of traffic...

because her head was crooked down next to her left shoulder.....

where she was cradling her cell phone while cycling and chatting.

Uuuurrrrgh.....

It's that time of year again.
And it's time for the C word again.

( Rule of MY Road )

OK, back to the fun stuff.

Oh. Almost forgot. Usual caveat. No, this is not prompted by any specific, recent situation. It's prompted by more than a few suprises and (hopefully) unintended confusion I've run into over the last 12 months. Up until now, I've not had the time to sit and mull how to phrase this. And, my usual worry over who I might upset.

Finally decided I'VE been upset enough.

OK, now back to fun stuff. (I'll try to find some.)

I think I need a drive more than anything else.
Out. Sunlight.

Spent time indoors today being tired, trying to organize and update contacts.
And right now I'm looking at a rapidly setting sun, and realizing I was not laying on the grass, somewhere, out of this county, as I had imagined on Friday.

Artist's Way recommended a weekly date with yourself (insert joke here). I didn't get that. I need that. Now.

And I need it with sunlight and out of the city and the sound.

Brought Dad in for a check up, due to loss of appetite. Which to the doctor seemed normal. Actually better than the way he usually eats. Checked his heart, all seems fine. And got blood tests.

Went off to work after appointment. After work I go shopping, leave Davis about 7?

And got a call part way home, not from the care facility, but from Kaiser in Vallejo.

His potassium is at a critical low. And they want to see him tonight to check him out.
Right now, I have called the care facility owner on her cell. She's not at the care home, but at her 2nd job. She's contacted the care home to have them get Dad up, and either the husband or the wife of the night care folks are going to go with me to Kaiser in Vallejo. 30 to 40(?) minute drive.

Yes, they need to see him as soon as possible. Cannot wait until morning. Cannot get ahold of doctor, because we didn't find out test results until after hours
No, we can't have this checked out at local Sutter.

I understand why, and all, but auuugh.

Feeling stupid. Yes, called brother.

He seemed fine today, relative to his condition. How did I fuck up.
No, I know how I fucked up. I didn't get this lab work done earlier.

fuck fuck fuck fuck. I fucked up his health.

Just a note. I think I jinxed myself. Was talking with the Major last night about finances, and explaining about the weirdness of mine. Was explaining that for now, most of my Dad's expenses come out of his own account; that the other financial problems I have are from other areas of life.

Went to take Dad to the doc appointment today. When I picked him up, the wife of the Res-Home couple told me they really need to hire a husband and wife couple to work with Dad for times when she and he (meaning owners of res-home) were away. And this couple is more skilled with dealing with dementia.

And it will cost an additional $1000 a month.

Dad proved to be more than they can handle by themselves. Which is to be expected when someone goes into threatening mood swings. That he has these threatening rages.
Apparently Dad put his hands on the throat of the husband.
And yeah, I've known about this last bit since Thanksgiving morning.
I was just waiting, thinking, how to talk to my brother and the doctor. Trying to deal with this, get it settled in my head and emotions. He used to do that to my mom to threaten her. I thought those days were over.


The part about the money was dropped in my lap this morning, 8:30am. I just excused myself for a few minutes, and walked outside to their front yard to regroup, so I would look shaken or crying in front of Dad.
I swear, I thought for a second about what would happen if I just kept walking, got in the car and didn't drive home. Just left my family, my home, my job. Just drive.
Yes, walked back in.

*************

They say they still want him to live there. But we need to add $1000 on the the monthly rent; and the wife wanted to know what the doctor said, and did he give Dad any pills. Told her that I told the doctor everything about Dad and emotional history; but that he needs to contact a geriatric-dementia associate to confer, and he will be back with me within 2 days.

And told her I could not approve the extra $1000 right at that moment, that I needed to contact my brother.
And the doctor can't give my Dad any meds right off the bat.
And can I talk to my dad, but he won't remember.
And this feels like the same conversations I had with my brother. Whom I haven't called yet.

Because I need to just go away for awhile and let this settle in. I don't know what to do to fix this. I don't know where to ge the resources. I haven't known what to do about this man for the last 46 years.

I don't know what to do. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I just want this all to stop and be still for a few hours. I will e-mail my bro tonight, I don't feel like talking to him on the phone. We can do this,
We can do this, get the money or move to another place. I just don't know what. And I don't have any answers, solutions, or resoures or energy or strength anymore. I don't want to give answers anymore.

I'm tired, and I want my Mom.

Would love to catch up about Earth Day, Life Day, and Placerville Day...
...but first, a word from my family.

(A cut about family dynamics and parental care. No, it's not fun, nor about dances or sith, nor does it have a meme--but it's what happens in my life and it is what was going on in my head while trying to keep my unbloomerness and red notepad hidden in the El Dorado Foothills.)

( Welcome to the Twilight Zone )