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temperance14Keep moving Looky Lous, nothing to see here. Just waiting for the body to stop twitching.
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Fighting with myself all day….want to write have to keep working focus focus. Feeling aggravated with self.
Since today…yesterday….last week(s)… have wanted to write—
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Virtues of vice---or at least the attraction of character flaws that people want to exorcise from my mind/actions/emotions.
My reticence? Indeed, causes me the loss of many potential friends. I’ve often been told that I come across as cool, withdrawn…shutter, putting up walls.
And these dear friends that I’ve lost, who have lamented this? Most fantastic wall builders I’ve witnessed. Emotional Masons.
Likewise, the people who have urged me to be more extroverted, to contact others and themselves---are the ones I never hear from The most glowing lights in the social firmament, the most technologically advanced mammals on the planet cannot deal with phones, e-mails or postage stamps.
Please feel free to ignore me….but do not waste my time by urging me to contact you in the first place. Just ignore me—save us both the time.
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Keep waffling back and forth. Sent a letter to my instructor informing her that I wanted….no, I did not. I sent a note asking what she thought. Could I stay in the class even after blowing off the whole 2nd week and quiz.
This morning: Half wanting her to write back and say it could be done.
And this afternoon….I don’t want to. No, not even wanting this class. I don’t want to be on another schedule. It is to the point where I cannot even schedule myself to do things I want to do: set down time to write, to paint, to practice music, to crochet or knit or stitch.
Because I can’t stand having one more action, any action, as scheduled. As required,
No more mustdo shoulddo oughtto haveto. No no no. No more.
Because I can’t decide what I MustShouldOughtHave to do. All are important, all take priority, all must be done because of deadline or previous delays. Because they will never get done.
Because I can’t find any one project that is worth pursuing. That will be worth the time, as it is useless,
Or worth the effort, because I cannot do these projects, because they so often turn out badly done, feebly done, amateurish. Because they turn out so WRONG.
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Time to stop. Time to go and do another ShouldOught. On schedule to leave one place with work undone, and go to another and start another attempt in a set time frame.
Later down the rabbit hole…no wait, I’m late for the rabbit hole. Or at least the rabbit.
Very late for very important epoch.
**********
Fighting with myself all day….want to write have to keep working focus focus. Feeling aggravated with self.
Since today…yesterday….last week(s)… have wanted to write—
***********
Virtues of vice---or at least the attraction of character flaws that people want to exorcise from my mind/actions/emotions.
My reticence? Indeed, causes me the loss of many potential friends. I’ve often been told that I come across as cool, withdrawn…shutter, putting up walls.
And these dear friends that I’ve lost, who have lamented this? Most fantastic wall builders I’ve witnessed. Emotional Masons.
Likewise, the people who have urged me to be more extroverted, to contact others and themselves---are the ones I never hear from The most glowing lights in the social firmament, the most technologically advanced mammals on the planet cannot deal with phones, e-mails or postage stamps.
Please feel free to ignore me….but do not waste my time by urging me to contact you in the first place. Just ignore me—save us both the time.
********
Keep waffling back and forth. Sent a letter to my instructor informing her that I wanted….no, I did not. I sent a note asking what she thought. Could I stay in the class even after blowing off the whole 2nd week and quiz.
This morning: Half wanting her to write back and say it could be done.
And this afternoon….I don’t want to. No, not even wanting this class. I don’t want to be on another schedule. It is to the point where I cannot even schedule myself to do things I want to do: set down time to write, to paint, to practice music, to crochet or knit or stitch.
Because I can’t stand having one more action, any action, as scheduled. As required,
No more mustdo shoulddo oughtto haveto. No no no. No more.
Because I can’t decide what I MustShouldOughtHave to do. All are important, all take priority, all must be done because of deadline or previous delays. Because they will never get done.
Because I can’t find any one project that is worth pursuing. That will be worth the time, as it is useless,
Or worth the effort, because I cannot do these projects, because they so often turn out badly done, feebly done, amateurish. Because they turn out so WRONG.
********
Time to stop. Time to go and do another ShouldOught. On schedule to leave one place with work undone, and go to another and start another attempt in a set time frame.
Later down the rabbit hole…no wait, I’m late for the rabbit hole. Or at least the rabbit.
Very late for very important epoch.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 02:02 am (UTC)I liked reading this. Reminds me of my own rambling, sorta. Kinda. If you'd like access to my own ramblings for comparison purposes, I'd be happy to grant you said access if you are
that masochisticthat braveso inclined.Good to see you here! :)
no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 03:44 pm (UTC)No, no, I said ring.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 02:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 03:45 pm (UTC)Lughie and Dughie ain't gonna like this.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 03:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-31 04:47 pm (UTC):)
Date: 2006-02-10 08:17 pm (UTC)X (hug),
C